Raising young children is a journey filled with wonder, joy, and, often, stifling confusion. As parents, we’re often faced with our children’s big feelings - from excitement and curiosity to frustration and sadness – and left feeling confused, confronted, overwhelmed or, sometimes, with some big feelings of our very own.
Just let it be said – it’s hard to know how we can support these big feelings, and this can be for a number of reasons. Firstly, big feelings can be so very triggering. Secondly, we’re often stretched with very little to give. Thirdly, we may wish to parent differently to how were parented, so we haven’t had role models for the skills to support these feelings.
It can be tempting to smooth over these emotions or distract children from them, but research shows that a child's ability to understand and navigate their feelings - what we call emotional competence - is actually a crucial part of their development.
Emotional competence is about children learning to recognise, express, and regulate their emotions in healthy and effective ways. The best part? Supporting emotional competence now is investing in the future – these skills lay the groundwork for future learning, relationships, resilience, empathy, frustration tolerance AND stress management. The process of building emotional competence is a bit like planting seeds. By supporting our children through their big feelings now, we can help them grow into self-aware, empathetic, and resilient individuals.
You don’t need any special tools, complicated techniques or degrees to do this! There are simple, everyday practices that make a big difference and I’m going to share my faves with you (no gatekeeping around here!).
Emotional competence is built on three main pillars: emotion knowledge, emotion expression, and emotion regulation. Each of these areas support children in understanding their own and others' feelings, expressing emotions in appropriate ways, and managing reactions to different situations.
Emotion knowledge begins with recognising and labelling emotions – a critical piece of the emotional competence puzzle. This is where children learn to identify feelings in themselves and others (such as recognising when they’re feeling frustrating or when a friend is feeling unhappy) as well as comprehend possible causes for emotions. When children can label and describe feelings, they’re better equipped to understand emotional experiences and empathise with others, and this is vital for forming healthy social connections.
It should come as no surprise that being emotional competent means that we don’t suppress our strong feelings but, rather, find constructive ways to show them. Emotion expression involves expressing emotions in ways that are safe, appropriate, and effective as well as understanding the differences between your emotional state and your outward expression. In simple terms, this means beginning to understand that your emotion expression (or how you're communicating your emotions) doesn't necessarily need to match the intensity at which you're experiencing that emotion.
Contrary to popular belief, being emotionally regulated doesn't actually always mean calm. Sometimes yes, sometimes no. Instead, emotional regulation means having the ability to adjust emotional responses to fit the moment. We can foster the development of a child’s emotional regulation by supporting the child to create a "toolkit" of simple strategies, such as taking deep breaths, doing a calming activity, or asking for a hug. When big emotions arise, co-regulation with a trusted adult works a charm. For example, calmly holding or comforting a child while acknowledging their feelings teaches them to rely on support when overwhelmed. Over time, these experiences build resilience, showing children that, even during tough moments, emotions can be managed and eventually ease.
Now… do you want the good news or the bad news first? Bad news - the above skills take years and years of guidance and practice to develop and refine. Good news - you don’t need a magic wand to foster emotional competence; you simply need consistent, caring, intentional interactions. Here are three easy ways you can support your child’s emotional growth.
Modell Emotional Awareness
Children learn a lot from watching the adults around them, so one of the most effective ways to teach emotional awareness is by intentionally modelling it yourself. Seriously, don’t underestimate the power of role modelling.
How?
Narrate your own emotions in real-time using simple, descriptive language. This might sound like “I’m feeling a bit frustrated because we’re running late, so I’m going to take a deep breath to help me feel calmer.” This normalises all emotions (important) and gives children real-life examples of language and strategies for managing their own feelings. By doing this often, you’re demonstrating that emotions are not only natural but work-through-able.
Use Books and Stories
I love me a good children’s book! Books provide a truly wonderful way to explore emotions together in a safe and relatable context.
How?
As you read, point out characters’ feelings and discuss how these emotions might relate to real-life experiences. This might sound like “Look at this bear - her face is all scrunched up and she’s got her arms crossed. What do you think she’s feeling? Hrmmm, I wonder what made her feel like that? Do you think you’d feel angry, too?” Using examples from fictional characters again builds their understanding of emotions as something we experience and that certain situations might make us feel certain ways. It also builds empathy, as children begin to connect emotions with real-life situations as well as recognise emotions in others.
Build a Feelings Vocabulary
Developing a rich feelings vocabulary helps children express themselves beyond basic emotions like “happy” or “mad.”
How?
Introduce new emotion words gradually, such as “disappointed,” “excited,” or “proud,” and use them in your everyday interactions. This might sound like “You look proud of that drawing,” or “I can see you’re feeling disappointed that it’s raining.” By naming emotions and reflecting them back, you give children the tools to identify and articulate their feelings. This vocabulary becomes an essential part of their emotional toolkit, empowering them to communicate more effectively and deepening their self-awareness.
Supporting your child’s emotional competence is a journey that takes patience (oh so much patience), practice, and empathy. By helping them understand, express, and manage their feelings, you’re setting a strong foundation for their social and emotional well-being. One key thing to remember is that it’s not about fixing feelings or expecting them to stay calm at all times. Rather, it’s about equipping them with the tools to navigate big emotions with confidence, knowing that all feelings are okay.
When it comes to supporting children’s emotional development, our own emotional competence is essential and it would be remiss of me to not mention this. Our ability to recognise, understand, and regulate our own emotions lays the groundwork for how children learn to handle theirs. Children are highly attuned to the emotions of trusted adults, often mirroring our responses during moments of stress or joy. By modelling healthy emotional expression and regulation, we provide children with a template for managing their feelings constructively. This doesn’t mean we need to be calm at all times—rather, it’s about showing that all emotions are valid and can be handled with care. When we actively work on our own emotional competence, we’re better equipped to co-regulate with children, creating a safe space for them to explore and express big emotions. Ultimately, emotionally competent adults help foster resilience, empathy, and emotional intelligence in the children they support.
Through modelling, stories, a growing emotional vocabulary, and continuing to refine your own emotional competence, you’re giving your child invaluable resources they’ll carry through life. With each interaction, you’re teaching them that emotions are manageable and that they’re never alone in facing them. Over time, these small moments really do add up, supporting your child to grow into a resilient, empathetic, and emotionally aware individual. It’s not easy, it’s not linear, and it can be downright overwhelming, but goodness me it’s so dang rewarding.
